Exploring My Toxic Traits and Emotional Struggles

By herloudsilence@gmail.comCase of the exes, Relationships

Exploring My Toxic Traits and Emotional Struggles

Spinning the block, It’s my fault…

Most, if not all, of my exes try to spin the block on me. I give them access. I don’t block them or really tell them to leave me alone. I just do this thing where I kinda avoid them or play hard to get.

I’ve noticed I’ve never actually gotten back with any of my exes—I just leave the lines of communication open. I’m starting to think this might be a toxic trait. It feels like it feeds my ego when they come back; it’s as if I’m wanted, and I love rejecting them over and over again. When they expect the same nice girl to accept their advances with open arms, I don’t. I give the impression that I might let them in, but I never let them get close enough.

I’ve never had sex with any of them again. I’ve never gotten back into a relationship with any of them. We just talk, maybe even flirt a little bit. But I realize I’m holding a grudge. I feel as though all of them are the reason for my suffering. I look back on old texts and photos and torture myself with the past—memories of what was. Sometimes, I wish I didn’t feel so empty. I wish convincing myself I am okay worked. I wish I wasn’t so good at keeping a poker face and hiding my true emotions. WHY AM I SO GOOD AT THAT?! I’m a master at it, but I know the truth. I want to believe that I’m not empty, that I’m wanted, and that I haven’t found my soulmate YET. I want to be hopeful, but as the years go by and my youth drifts away, it’s getting harder to keep this beautiful smile on my face. I’m so jaded and wish I wasn’t. I wish I could clear my mental slate. I wish I was more confident in myself. I hate that I’m only seen as valuable once I’m gone—only when it’s over do they realize the rare gem that once stood before them. It happens every single fucking time.

I’m just tired.