What is wrong with me?

By herloudsilence@gmail.comUncategorized

What is wrong with me?

Today I yelled at my mom. I was so mad at her, and now I feel like a piece of shit. She got into a car accident, in my old 2002 Acura MDX. I was so worried about my insurance company being mad at me, that I got mad at my mom, and made her feel bad. The reason I was worries was due to a previous accident where my insurance company tried to accuse me of fraud because even thought I live in Ottawa, but work in Mississauga, and have a second address in Brampton, I got into a previous accident and totaled my moms car (that my brother gave to her) and at that time since I was injured in the accident and needed to make a claim my insurance company was riding me about the “discrepancy”. It was not a discrepancy because I lived in Ottawa with my mom, but it was normal for us to travel back and forth to Brampton because this is where the family resides and it’s also where I got a job with the city.

Anyways….after she told me about the accident, and I coached her through taking photos of the damage and what not -I dismissed her off the phone, and kinda got cold told her that I have nothing to say and that life is really stressful, and how she is not on my policy, and how my insurance company is gonna be mad at me. (In hindsight im thinking – FUCK THEM). I told her to drive safe, im glad she is okay, and that I would see her later. All my mom said was ok. I then heard her called my sister. My sister had her on speaker phone, I was in my room, and I could hear their conversation. My mom was telling my sister how she felt so despondent, and how I made her feel so bad. My sister works in insurance so she was basically explaining the process to my mom, reassuring her that it is what it is and it’s not a big deal. I then heard my mom say “Can you tell her that so it calms her down” 🙁 When she got home that evening I was still upset. And she called me. When she called me she told me how sorry she was I swear she was almost in tears. It was that moment I felt like a piece of shit. She was telling me that if my premiums go up, she would pay the difference. Smh… I told her it’s okay. And after I got off the phone with her, I went downstairs, gave her a hug and kiss and told her not to worry. I wasn’t mad at her. It could have been worse. I was just mad at how she is always helping people. How she goes out of her way to make sure everyone else is okay, and while she was doing just that the accident happened. I cursed at her for being kind and doing good for someone saying that she shoulda just stayed home… *sighs* knowing what my mom is going through right now dealing with her fathers estate issues and lawyers and all that jazz I seriously thought about how I could have lost my mom today and instead of lifitng her spirits I made her feel bad. As I write this im literrally in tears. Someday oneday ill wish that my mom was here to bother me, to bug me, to ask me to show her how to do something on her phone, how to retrieve an email, ill wish she was here to tell me she got into an accident driving my car. And yet here I am upset about a stupid fucking accident.

*sighs*

Lately Life is just overwhelming to me. The strong woman, independant woman “act” is starting to wear off…This is totally a rant. I don’t even care what the structure is like, im just writing how I feel. I sent her another message a few moments ago letting her know how sorry I am for making her feel bad.

*sighs*